there’s a zen koan where the teacher holds a stick.
the teacher says to the student,
“If you tell me this stick is real, I will hit you with it. If you tell me it is not real, I will hit you with it. If you say nothing, I will hit you with it.”
the student reaches out, grabs the stick, and breaks it.

bureaucracy is the death of the soul. spiritual attrition warfare. kafka's the trial, which i swear i was going to finish before posting this quasi-review, reminds me a lot of how i used to feel growing up as a young neurodivergent boy: you are made to defend yourself in a game you don't know the rules of (if there are any), but that everybody seems (or at least pretends) to know, except for yourself. rules which you will never be told because everybody is too good for it, but that you will be mocked for not knowing; against a grandmaster who makes them up to your disadvantage as they go along, pitting against you everybody you were sure was your ally up until now, convincing them they are helping you the entire way. and the worst part: you are taught that the right mindset to have is to think "ha, they won't beat me. i'm more stubborn than they are", which only serves to perfectly illustrate them beating you.

after being put on trial in front of an unknown crowd for an unknown accusation, joseph kay manages to take a sneak peek at the judge's alluring, dense law books the next day, when the court is out of session, in hopes of finding out more about this impossible game. in them, he finds nothing more than a crude doodle of a couple fucking. yes, exactly like that scene from the big lebowski. there is nothing going on behind the scenes. there is nobody working in the back room of the dmv. it's all a screen.

however, and despite this, it is somehow taboo and frowned upon to point out that the game itself is rigged, which will lose you friends and all credibility, as if it indicated an immaturity that should fade with age, and as if ass-kissing the game's insane rules were something that commanded respect or honor, instead of indicating the lack of a backbone. in this scenario, even breaking the stick results in you being beaten with it. and what do they expect to get for it? a stick of their own to beat with?

• the judge is not your friend.

it is not "petty" or "childish" to point out how soul-draining, self-defeating, obtuse and opaque the bureaucratic process is. you should not be one of the childlike people to uphold the illusion.

anything you say can and will be used against you, and not only will you be blamed for it, you will be publically and socially shamed for it. the system is not only rigged against you, it culturally programs the people around you, inflitrating the minds of your support circle, the people you trust most, to the point of guilting you and gaslighting you into thinking you're doing this to yourself, and that the consequences are your own fault. you will be psychologically and spiritually punished for any rules you break. if you do not break any rules, a rule will be created in order for you to have broken it.

the machine screams in resentment as it bleeds to death. hell is an infinite queue. the car is on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel.

• and yet, why do we create this illusion for ourselves?

the word "kafkaesque" describes not just a hell of tedium, but one we bring onto ourselves, simply because we see no other way forward. we love the security in thinking there's somebody behind the counter who knows things better than we do. human beings love having things under control, and there's nothing safer than being told what to do. why should i speak up against this? i don't know anything about the system. why don't we just leave it to the experts? the bureaucratic beast is immortal as long as it keeps breathing. it can never stop moving, or it stops being profitable. the procedures can never end.

you might think the machine is broken. you might have a myriad of suggestions, might even spend serious time and energy on complaining to the ones in charge or thinking up an improvement to the system. how to improve on perfection? the machine is working as intended. it's the same principle behind a perpetual war economy. you cannot let the proceeding end, ever. you want to keep the people unsatisfied for as long as possible, or the machine stops working. you have to let them be convinced that it's broken, so that they waste their times worrying about how to improve it rather than how best to dismantle it from the bottom. and most of all, you have to keep the measly carrot dangling, ever out of reach.

we all have a carrot, no matter how difficult it may be to find that of one particular person. we must make it a point to become untethered, independent from as many made-up carrots as they want you to follow. you must grow capable of being satisfied with the bare essentials, so as to have the smallest possible need to depend on any government official to feed you out of the "good will of their heart".

do not give them ANY margin. do not take them up on their fight. break the cycle of violence. let the judge humiliate you, let those you called your family and friends laugh at you, and be at spiritual peace.

that's right. the third world war is not "coming". it's already here. it's just that war doesn't look anything like it did 80, 60, or even 20 years ago.

• note: this is an uneducated opinion piece. it's irrevocably political, but i am not fighting for any political talk point in particular. i am speaking out in defense of the continuation of normal human life, which is something you should want too. thus, this this is going to be a very rambly, unpolished article that shouldn't require much more justification than the space between your eyebrows and your hairline

war is no longer fought between this country and that country. that is merely a vestigial cover-up. it is fought between the most powerful one hundred people in the world and you, using you as a weapon against yourself. what was once the first and second world of the world wars, in the present day world have no more significance, and have become the exponentially speeding coalescence of the right bloc and its separation from the left bloc, not slowing down any time soon. subsequently and correlated to this, the right wing is becoming more and more comedically "the bad guys" and easier to topple over but they're greater in number.

this is directly related to disinformation attacks coming from every single power. over 50% (yes, over half) of all internet traffic is artificial intelligence. some of these twitter bots are owned by the right bloc. some of them are owned by the left bloc. most likely, most of them are owned by the disinterested corporation bloc. ai is not the only issue, war in the digital age is fought with knowledge, information, and the manipulation of them.

it doesn't matter who owns these bots, because they all push the same agenda: they WANT to confuse you. they WANT to overwhelm you. they WANT to scare you. they WANT to outrage you. they WANT you to feel stupid, powerless, unaware, resigned. they WANT you to feel like it's impossible for anything to be known for certain, so that you give up thinking. but it's not. you can know anything for sure, so long as you think it for yourself. most facts are intuitive. most facts respect common sense.

this is not a surprise. the next 20 years will also not be a surprise, and they will be much worse. i don't think you can stop them from coming, but you can save yourself.

you SHOULD be outspoken. YOU YOURSELF should fight. you should not be asleep. if being pro normal is a position of war, you should be a soldier. i dont want you to be radical. i want you to be normal. normal should never be a radical position to hold. moral, healthy, moderate, non-extremist, should never be radical positions to hold

i am also not going to lie and tell you whether i know if an all out actual war is coming or not. i genuinely can't tell. but it would seem that the long peace is long over. matter of fact, it never started. the long peace should be called the long nuance. it was the longest period in human history where conflict was nuanced. now we're just back to good vs bad. and the worst part is the united states is now oficially a part of the bad guys. no more fucking around with state repression, misinformation, nothing. this time, the usa is the axis, and my dumbass fucking country is going to lick its boots too so i don't even get to point and laugh from a distance this time

now now. the world is not ending. like i said, you can save yourself. if real actual war doesn't come, that is. but if it doesn't you can save yourself: STOP deriving your worldview from other people. STOP deriving your value from other people. STOP deriving your mental state or wellbeing from other people. log off, build yourself on your own, assume responsability. be born anew as a human being, and you will be free for the rest of your life

"«What does that mean—'tame'?» asked the little prince.

«It is an act too often neglected,» said the fox. «It means to establish ties.»

«'To establish ties'?»

«Just that,» said the fox. «To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.»"

i remember this horrible long distance relationship i had back in 2021 with this poor girl who so clearly needed therapy instead of being in a relationship with me. it was miserable for the both of us, but at least i didn't have the misfortune of being attemptedly therapized by an immature teenage coomer, who's far less emotionally intelligent than he thinks he is.

i do also remember, however, this one little fire piece of wisdom i came up with back then that i still think about from time to time. i remember at one point telling her that you can't just go around slaying dragons all the time if you haven't tamed your inner dragon yet. it's going to tear you apart from the inside and you're not going to know why, no matter how many dragons you slay for other people, it never feels like it's enough. you will never be at inner peace until you tame the little dragon that lives inside you.

so i am. and i did. well, sort of. no, i haven't, let's be real. but i am a much better dragonkeeper than i was four years ago. i've stopped voluntarily lying to myself. i've since spent years trying to unravel the horrible web of lies i've cast for myself, for the sake of hiding the person i really am, because i was convinced that that person is horrible, that i should feel ashamed of him and hide him away from the world at all costs.

i've spent years hurting, taking advantage of, and pushing away the people i love. of course i have, i'd do it to the one person who will spend my entire life beside me, wouldn't i? who's to say i won't do it to everybody else?

the fact of the matter is, if you can lie to yourself, you can lie to anyone. if you can hurt yourself, you can hurt anyone. if you can call yourself a fundamentally flawed person, you can say this about anyone. you will never be able to truly help anybody else, until you've helped the one person that matters the most.

so, like i said. i haven't saved myself yet. but i have helped myself. and guess what? it does work. it's trudgingly slow, humbling, thankless work, and if you lose track of what you're doing for even a second, you risk losing months of progress in one fell swoop. but it is possible. it feels like i find a little bit more peace within myself every day. and when i look back down from the mountain i'm standing on right now, i realize i've come so far that i don't have to be afraid of once again becoming the person i was anymore. i've worked so hard, for so long, that i can afford to lower my guard for a little bit longer.

feels nice, doesn't it? but what that really means, and the reason i mentioned the dragon thing at the beginning, is that, well. that means the dragon is sleeping now. he is contented. we've made a truce. i don't know that i can say i've tamed him, but we're certainly friends now.

"«One only understands the things that one tames,» said the fox. «Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me.»

«What must I do, to tame you?» asked the little prince.

«You must be very patient,» replied the fox. «First you will sit down at a little distance from me—like that—in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day...»"

so, the question arises. if you too, like me, have become friends with your own inner dragon, and if you haven't yet, then, if and when it ends up happening.

where do we go now?

when you can't even help yourself, you sometimes end up making things worse to the extent that it sometimes feels like the universe is conspiring against you to make sure everything that can go wrong goes wrong, and you end up falling flat on your face. it happens, and it's not always really your fault. maybe you just haven't taken the necessary time to figure out what's really going on behind the scenes.

as misguided as i was back then, i really did want to help. that hasn't changed one bit.

i'm very obviously not done figuring myself out, i haven't even turned twenty yet. but i'm so done only figuring myself out. i want to make other people's lives easier. i want to share this knowledge i've earned with others, so their own pilgrimages can be a bit safer. i may not be a sage, or an ancient wizard, or even very clever at all, but i can pick myself up when i fall, and i've learned how to learn from my mistakes. i don't just want to be better. i want everybody to be better.

even you, if you happen to be reading this, thank you for reading this far, by the way, it really does mean a lot. i hope your day is going well, and if not, then maybe tomorrow will be a better day. if you need anything, just know i am always free to talk. i may not have much more than an ear to offer, and i may not always reply quickly, but i always do reply. wherever you are, you are never alone. i may not know you, but i do want you to be happier (marshmello reference), and i wish you longlasting inner peace.

what is your second step going to be?

"i wake up, and the day feels broken
I tilt my head, I'm trying to get an angle
cause the evening i've always longed for,
it could still happen
how do I master the perfect day?
six glasses of water, seven phone calls
if you leave it alone, it might just happen anyway"

it's gonna be quite hard to write this thought out in a way that doesn't sound like i'm telling you to "live! laugh! love! life is only once! enjoy it while it lasts! have lots of children and build a loving christian household!" but on ocassion, i tend to experience vast swathes of time where it's difficult for me to find the value in each given day. often times, these stretches of days will all blend together, feeling like one very long day, just waking up and going back to sleep."

what i, of course, struggle to understand at those times (which is not my fault, but still), is that there is always something worth remembering from each day. always. seriously. there will be days where it's not as easy to know where to look for it, but the things worth being grateful for don't just stop showing up.

here are a couple things i wrote a few months ago for myself to read whenever i feel like i haven't "gotten anything done" today (whatever that means), to remind myself of the little things that actually matter cherishing during the blink of an eye we actually get to experience them, and that i actually am quite useful everyday.

• did you wake up early today?
• did your kitty say hi to you today?
• did you show up to the gym today?
• did you make someone laugh today?
• did you learn something today?
• did you play guitar today?
• did you read today?
• did you do your chores today?

this is, of course, a list for me. it's a list i wrote for myself of the things i do every day that matter to me. it's gonna be a different list for every person (and there is always a list), but it's good for trying to see my day from another angle, or if i actually haven't done any of those things, maybe spend the rest of the day focusing on one of them. and if it's too late today, or if i don't have enough energy today, then maybe tomorrow i'll get a chance to try doing them again.

it's okay to let time pass. time is just time. it's not coming from anywhere, and it's not going anywhere. not all of your time needs to be worth its weight in gold, and it's okay to let it "go to waste" because time doesn't require being exploited by you to be valuable, just like a person isn't only as valuable as much as they make themselves useful to society. both time and living beings are miracles of their own, and they transcend naive human notions of value, simply by virtue of their existence. just the way it is, it's good enough. let go.

"morning rain,
gently plays her rhythms on your window pane
giving you no clue of when she plans to change,
to bring rain or sunshine
and so you wait to see what she'll do
is it sun or rain for you?
but it breaks your heart in two
when you find it's october
and she's gone, and she's gone
summer's gone, taking with her summer's play"

sunny days are not anything on their own. they're just sunny days. rainy days are not anything more than rainy days, and neither are overcast days. the way i see it, days flow easier for me if i simply try to move to another perspective. only on sunny days do i get to bask, eyes closed, for as long as i need, in the sun's purifying light. only on rainy days do i get to be enveloped by the protective cloak of downfall, rumble of thunder afar.

for the longest time i didn't know what to make of overcast days. they have all the muddy lethargy of rainy days, with none of the beautiful rain. they dye everything a dull pale hue, like some pretentious indie movie. recently though, i've come to understand that that's just it: cloudy days are a grounding wire. they bring everyone down to the same level. cloudy days are neutralizing, they help stabilize the spirit. it helps thinking about the stardew valley fortune teller saying "the spirits feel neutral today. the day in your hands."

you have zero control over what people act out towards you, just how you cannot control what nature has in plans for you today. to me, that's always a pleasure. that's the beauty of it. like finding out what's on the menu today, at your favorite restaurant."

"if you wake up, and the day feels broken
just lean into the crack,
and it will tremble ever so nicely"

"i can decide what i give
but it's not up to me what I get given
unthinkable surprises about to happen
but what they are, it's not up to you.
well, it never really was"

if you'r anything like me which, if you're reading this, chances are you are, then you too are opposed to the late-stage capitalism state of the internet, web3, tiktok's capitalization of your attention span and yadda yadda. so it probably won't come as a surprise to you that i've been trying to reduce my screentime for quite a long time now, with varying success. i've uninstalled instagram and set (ignorable, but still) timers on the apps i get most addicted to.

i've even considered getting a dumbphone, but it's simply not viable where i live. in a perfect world, i'd love to find a manufacturer for old nokia-type phones, but reimagined for a modern context. you know, the old flip-phone type deal, just with modern cell data and the basic needs for basic living: digital wallet, present-day messaging apps and so on. but it looks like i'm a hipster, because somebody out there is trying to capitalize on my niche interest by expecting hundreds of dollars for a cellphone that went obsolete in the early 2010's.

ok, so no dumbphone. and no no cellphone, either. i hate to admit it, but some things simply require a cellphone in our day and age, which is a tragedy to me, but to assert the contrary would require an unhealthy amount of mental gymnastics. payment apps are commonplace where i live, and some activities like investing in dollars (and trust me, you really want to do this) can only be performed in the cellphone app for them. i'm not aware of an analog mp3 player type thing that supports spotify, so i at least have to carry it around when i go to the gym, if i don't want my ears blasted by maroon 5, or whatever other dogshit my gym owner considers to be "gym music".

• so what's the answer?

well, i've come up with a compromise. i've deviced a technique i call "phone-casting". it's basically like type-casting in coding, if you're into that. which statistically, you probably are. it's quite really. instead of carrying your hundred-dollar pocket-sized slot machine everywhere you go, before you leave with it, just ask yourself this: what am i going to need this thing for, today? is it a music player? is it a digital wallet? is it a wireless telephone? is it a digital camera? whatever you decide on, allow it to be that, and jsut that.

your cellphone has no requirement to be everything, all the time, every single day. sometimes, it can jsut be a music player. a walkman, that you take to the gym. sometimes, just the little electronic thing that you pay your restaurant bill with. before you pick up your cellphone to leave the house in the morning, tell yourself that. say to yourself: "okay, i'll be picking up my wireless telephone, in case somebody needs to get a hold of me during the day. this is my wireless telephone, for the day." don't allow your engagement to be maximized by anyone, ever.

i've started doing this, and i feel a lot better just leaving my phone near me. i don't get scared i'll start doomscrolling on it during the day, because it's not a cellphone. it's just my music player i take to the gym with me. it's not a danger to me. it's just a little brick made with blood silicon. it's not gonna come out and bite me. it can jsut stay there, and complete its function without taking a complete hold of my dopamine source. if you think it might be helpful to you, this method is there for you whenever you need it :)

the human experience: the great equalizer. we live as the main characters of our own lives for so long, we often forget that other people are also the protagonists of theirs. we witness every last one of our own tragedies, our own joys and our own sorrows. it can sometimes be hard to consider that others get theirs as well, at the very same frequency. especially when you're made to take in only the best facet of their experiences, carefully curated to paint a perfect picture on social media. we're all guilty of this. when's the last time you've had a crush so potent on someone they renounce their humanity, to become a sort of living deity in your mental pantheon?

it's only natural, putting tags on others' souls. we're evolutionarily driven to profile, pigeonhole, idealize, misrepresent, caricaturize, strawman, worship human beings. but it's your responsability — no, your duty — as a rational animal to transcend your dna.

when you walk, you are never walking alone. all around the world, the thunderous silent march of billions walking at the same pace. where are they going? what lives do they lead? what path took them to where they are today, and the thoughts they harbour? look at her, i wonder how she's doing today. do you think he's a pepsi fan, or more of a coca cola loser? i hope their day goes well. how loud are your footsteps, when compared to the whole?

remind yourself of this whenever you find yourself putting more value in the worth of a different human being than yourself, be it their words, their actions or perhaps just their appearance. remember, you are only a human. and no matter what happens, that thing you're seeing, it's only a human.

i've been a teetotaller for about a year now. i'm not a "loud party" type of person. nothing wrong with those, it's just not my style. but of course, i've always tried to be. with my old friends in my old uni, i'd never want to get left out of a potential fun time out with them. of course, nightclubs are unbearable sober. they are not spaces designed for uninebriated organisms. so i'd hurry to "get my drink in" before i'd have to actually... you know, stand around and. dance? or whatever you do in those.

as if by osmosis, i too become unbearable when i drink. i become too touchy and loud, and i just don't feel like i am myself, even if i'm having more fun than usual. drugs, legal or otherwise, they make me feel like a liar. someone wearing a mask.

partying. the staying up late. with people that neither like me nor i really like all that much back. the consuming of drugs that make me feel disgusting, with the sole intent purpose of fitting in, through becoming a different person. getting far too close too strangers. having to come back to a sad, lonely, usually untidy home, in disgusting, long-worn, smoke-stained clothes. do you know how that makes me feel?

it makes me feel old.

so i decided i'm too old for that.

it feels a little bit pretentious. it's something you'd expect to hear from a grandpa who's too close-minded to learn, you know, the bare minimum to use a cellphone, or something. how are you too old to go out and party? you're 19.

well, i am. and there's nothing wrong with it. mind you, and i want to be extremely clear about this: there is nothing wrong with doing so, either. i don't get any sense of superiority out of claiming to be "above" partying. i do somewhat like big loud night-outs, and i completely understand the appeal for them. but it's just not my style, and i've decided i've gone over this far too many times.

it's okay to try something more than once, maybe it just didn't work for you the first time around? but there's no use lying to yourself over, and over, and over again about something with the expectation to finally fit in someday. you don't need to do what everybody else is already doing. look, that clearly works for them. you don't need to keep proving it for them. try proving your own thing right, for once. say it. i'm too old to keep repeating the same old mistakes. i'm too old to keep trying this. no, i don't drink. i'm too old for that.

i'm too old for unserious, casual relationships. i've tried them. innumerable times. way too many to count. enough times that at some point i was like, alright, why? are? we? still? trying this? wouldn't it be better to just face your own personal loneliness, accept that maybe, you're just going to have to be a lone for a little while, and attempt to reconcile with your own company? be authentic. be sincere. try forming honest, deep, long-lasting friendships, and letting them blossom into something deeper for once. it's okay to not get everything all the time.

consequently, i've grown too old to keep living vicariously through others. i really don't want to find out what elon musk did this time. i really don't fucking care, seriously. i'm sure kanye west's nazi ass tweets were insane this one time around, but i think i'll be alright if i miss out on them.

"Sé muy bien que has oido hablar de mí
Y hoy nos vemos aquí
Pero la paz, en mí nunca la encontrarás
Si no es en vos, en mí nunca la encontrarás"

okay, you heard my neighbor performed a satanic ritual last week, that's great for them. what's that? the president did what? that's great for him.

start saying it! you don't need to keep learning the same lessons over and over. you can learn them once, and just move on with life. i promise you, you will not miss the wistful teenage memories of fucking yourself over the same way 15 different times. you are smarter than this. i'm too old for that.